My mother recounted my birth as a “miraculous” one... I was blue, deathly silent, and assumed dead when I emerged from her womb, born in blood rather than in life-giving embryonic fluid. She described her panic, her cries, and her calling out to God to save her child, which He did. It's probably not a coincidence that my mom, soon after birth, nicknamed me “Janie” - not knowing that in Hebrew this means Gift from God. I have always felt so incredibly loved by that woman, and, now that she's passed into eternal life, I know she's still with me, cheering me on, most likely through her *Guardian Angel assigned at her birth.

I wasn't very communicative as a youngster, a thumb-sucker until I was warned my permanent teeth would grow in funny; though smiles came easily and often I'm told. My 15-month-older-sister used to walk with me and tell passers by - “This is my sister, but don't talk to her, she'll cry." I suppose I have matured socially, but still prefer quiet contemplation to socializing in groups. (And *tears still come quite easily :) We were sent to a Catholic primary school (through 8^th grade) when I was in the 5th grade and my sister in the 6th, although only my dad was Catholic. Looking back, I know that was a sacrifice for mom and dad. We didn't have much money – dad was the plant manager of a tool and die company and mom, a housewife. But, we always had enough, and I felt rich. Dad wore a 4-way saint medal that I never remember him taking off. I was fearful of offending him as he sometimes had a bad temper; but I was drawn to his practice of kneeling beside his bed in prayer at night. (I learned, later, that mom highly respected his Faith and that was one of the things that attracted her to him before they married.) Dad gave me his souvenir rosary from the Basilica of St. Anne De Beau'pre, in Quebec, where (I have since learned) countless miracles have occured.

I felt privileged going to Catholic school, but I didn't know why. My older sister saw it differently – she had a keen awareness of the strictness and imperfections of some of the nuns, where I perceived their discipline as goodness. At home, I distinctly remember my dad quizzing us kids at the dinner table testing our intellectual skills. My sister was always quicker and smarter with her answers. I typically had to spend hours on homework, where my sister rarely brought any work home. She was very athletic, me, more introspective. I was overly neat; she, creatively messy. I felt closest to my mom, and she, to my dad. The two of us were friends (even more so, today), but opposites to be sure.

I was mostly liked at school, and I worked very hard to get good grades. I was indignant at some of the students who didn't listen to the nuns, always trying to do my best myself. I don't recall much about making my First Penance, my First Communion, or my Confirmation; but I do remember wanting to be good forJesus, and saying the rosary using my fingers when I couldn't fall asleep (a practice I continue today-though with a rosary :). I had a very vivid dream one night, and although the details have blurred, I clearly remember an ethereal figure standing there and motioning to me to come toward him. I thought in that instant that Jesus was calling me for a special purpose. Rather than submit and be glad, it scared me so much I woke up and ran into my mom and dad's bedroom before I could decipher any more. (Abraham or the Virgin Mary I was not!) To this day, I have not had a dream (that I remember) *like that again. However, at one point, I told my mom I wanted to be a nun, which she discouraged. She later told me that one of the nuns had approached her about a vocation for me. I always wonder what that would have been like... Perhaps it would have solved one of my biggest challenges each day – picking out my clothes.

My little sister was born when I was 10 years old. She was very timid and, as soon as she could read, spent hours and hours in her room, fascinated with science fiction stories and the like. We later learned her IQ was 'off the charts,' as she had apparently acquired more intelligence than the, now, middle child. The distance in our years – 10 years – was unfortunate, because I do not remember her being a big part of my formative years, nor me, hers. I came home from college to be her Confirmation Sponsor, however. But, what should have been an awesome, monumental assignment, I now know it was one I ignorantly neglected. (I'm trying to make up for that today and we've become best friends, as sisters, and as *children of God.)

On my way back to college from the Confirmation service, I was in a terrible auto accident, and my self-directed path took a detour, I'm sure permitted by Our Lord. My relationship with my now husband had become quite close, though true commitment had not been in the picture. Let's just say intimacy was lurking, despite my (Catholic-taught) knowledge that pre-marital sex was a sin in God's eyes. This horrific event spurred him to leave his college classes for a time and be by my bedside. He saw me in the most vulnerable and ugly circumstances, multiple facial lacerations and head swelling, 7 lost teeth and a fractured pelvis! Instead of his using this as an excuse to leave the relationship, he showed himself to be a faithful and loving partner; and it, instead, cemented our bond. (I would be by his bedside shortly thereafter for his emergency appendectomy, to give him my faithful 'testimony.') A few months later, we were engaged and married shortly thereafter in a beautiful Catholic sacramental ceremony. Mom made me promise her I would finish my college degree, something we knew she expected of her children, because she was not able to achieve that for herself. (She proudly got her GED and nurse's aide training when I finished High School.)

When my husband finished his college degree, we moved across the country to pursue his career, and, me, to finish my teaching degree. My older sister was married and settled, but my little sister was only 11. I hadn't given that distance from her much thought, nor was I good at communicating with her during the next few years. I'm deeply sorry for that. By 19, she was diagnosed with a mental illness, possibly the result of 'self-medicating' for depression. I know now how sensitive 'big brains' are to drugs of any kind, and depression runs in our family. I regret not being there for her or my mom during those times of trial.

I hadn't thought much about God or Jesus during college or my early marriage either. My husband is a great guy, but hadn't been formed much in any faith. I finished college and began teaching, diving headlong into my work. Again, I had to work hard to prepare lesson plans and insure I could stay ahead of my very smart fourth and fifth grade students. I know now my Guardian Angel never left me during those times and guided me through many long nights of preparation. I clearly remember one night in particular. I had been given the leadership role for the advanced reading group, and the students would be presenting their 'creations' to their parents in an assembly. I was challenged at how to best showcase what they had learned. I had an inspiration (I believe now, from a 'Heavenly Helper') and, getting up in the middle of the night, was able to draft a clever poetic compilation that would encompass all the genres that the students' writings would be covering. I know that wasn't *'of me'; though, I felt pretty good about it at the time.

Well into my 3^rd year of teaching, I found our 'rhythm method' of birth control had produced a surprise pregnancy! My husband and I were excited, to say the least, and I was glad to 'hang up' teaching for a while. Admittedly, I was tired; and I sensed I couldn't be both a good teacher and a good “mom.” Luckily, my husband could leave his 'not-ideal government' job for another back in our home town of Michigan. That way we could be around extended family.

Having a child put the responsibility of faith formation back into my head. Thankfully, I know now, the Lord keeps knocking at our door, especially when seeds have been planted! We joined a Catholic Church and began attending Mass again. I enjoyed the familiarity and the feeling of belonging, but my knowledge of Catholicism was lacking to be sure. I never even remember being taught that Jesus is really present in the *Eucharist! I know now what a precious Gift we have been given.

Two miscarriages and two children later, I continued to be a stay-at-home mom, reserving Sundays for Church with our little family and Dunkin' Donuts following at the nearby cafe. Sunday Mass, admittedly, was mostly a routine at that time, but I continued to have a sense of belonging to something special. I was proud that our talented pianist son was assisting the Music Director at the Masses, and that our children were so well-behaved in church. I dove headlong into volunteerism in our children's schools, and even taught Religious Education to the little preschoolers at our Church. I used the teacher guides verbatim and it's a good thing – I knew so little about my Faith at that time. But, one thing I learned, is that “Jesus loves us” is easily communicated to small children.

Pregnancy had been difficult for me. After I had our son, our third live child, my trusted obstetrician advised I not have any more children for the sake of my health. I had inherited venous insufficiency and the swelling that accompanied the blood flow requirements of pregnancy on my veins was scary, to say the least. So my husband took the necessary preventative steps, much to my *regret today.

When my son (my youngest and last child) was in preschool, I began teaching again as a preschool assistant teacher opposite my son's classroom. The next year I became the head teacher, in a 4/5 year old, Pre-K classroom, again opposite my son's Pre-K room. I loved this job and learned it was one I could hold on to somewhat stress-free and still be home for my young family. I embraced the challenge of creating a fun, loving, educational experience to these children and enjoyed being able to engage with and coach their caring families. My *teammate (assistant teacher) was 'pure-gold' (I'm sure Holy Spirit sent) and we stayed together for many years and are dear friends, though miles apart, still today.

I cherished our family time and had learned the importance of routine, reading, listening and playing with young children. My elementary education courses had prepared me well, I thought. Frequent food was essential, too, as I quickly learned after discovering one child had hypoglycemia like her Father. “Daddy” was able to be home in the evenings to share fun time and meals, etc. We had a loving, caring relationship with each other for the most part. Sharing “mom” with other siblings and with a job outside the home, brought objections at times, however; children are typically quite inward-focused! There were many attention-seeking times, child-interrupted social interactions, even demanding-preferencial-treatment episodes (especially when I had my own child in my Catechism class). I distinctly remember being called a “two-timer” by one child when I was talking about my pre-school students one day. This made me laugh, but as I look back, perhaps it was a sign... Times of disagreement and “me” demands and outbursts can be important teaching moments. I redirected them the best way I knew how with my *'human knowledge', which failed me at times.

When my Pre-School Assistant moved, I changed jobs. I was fortunate to have been asked to be a substitute teacher at an excellent Christian-based school, and then, became an Administrative Assistant to the Admissions' Dean who needed help. I loved this job, too, and my eyes were opened as to the value of God being at the center of the education of our youngsters. Here, Religion was taught along with English, History, etc., through 10^th grade. I can't talk more highly about the *'formation' these lucky children were able to obtain.

As parents, we tried to develop our children's character the best we knew how. Teachers liked having them; relatives welcomed our family into their homes. They acquired worldly successes in swimming, diving, academics, music, soccer, etc. We had seen to it that they had all received their Catholic religious sacraments – Baptism, Reconciliation, Holy Eucharist, and Confirmation. But, even though they were 'officially' sacramentalized, I know now they had not been properly formed in the Faith, in their hearts (at their core). Other than catechism classes from volunteer teachers at the local Catholic church, they received very little at home to grab on to that they were to be 'obedient followers of and soldiers for Jesus' in their daily lives, through a relationship with Him. Other than a little bedtime prayer at night asking God to bless the people we loved, and *books that focused on kindness to others, etc., my Catholicism (its universality I still misunderstood) was mostly *hidden from view in our home setting.

Neighboring *Lutheran friends, among them our favorite babysitter, our swim coach, and my once-stuck-in-the-ditch rescuer, etc., adopted us as a family and generously shared their social club with us for the holidays. They truly were the 'face of Jesus' to us at this time (and still are); they role-modeled 'love of neighbor' in true Christian form. They invited us to their Church one time, a welcoming place for sure; but both my husband and I left thinking there was something missing.

All of our children went to public schools. They seemed to thrive there... We had searched out a *'high-quality' school system, and I continued to stay involved. (I had always said I would send them to Catholic schools if necessary – admittedly, my Catholic school experience was lacking in art, music and physical education compared to my public school friends, which I keenly noticed when I transferred to public school in 9^th grade. (The other significant 'formation' I had received there escaped me at this time.) Our children all attended and attained college degrees from secular universities, with only minor bumps in the road :) They had been blessed for sure, formed by the familial love of a Father and Mother, encouraged to be charactered and kind, and to always put forth their best effort. They graduated at the top of their classes, two went on to achieve graduate degrees and all have excelled in worthy careers and have been appreciated by their employers and 'clients.' The girls, when gifted with children, chose to (for the most part) be home for their children in order to be their biggest influence. (How fortunate they were to have husbands who could support them in this.)

We are, admittedly, so proud of all of them. They are considerate, happy, hard-working and loving and are teaching their young families the same. Unfortunately, some have also been indoctrinated, I realize now, into the idea of 'relativism' - that one chooses his own path, directs his own steps, and defines his own 'good' and 'evil.' Reliance on God, following Jesus's code of conduct, and especially, Catholic orthodoxy, is somewhat foreign – and, in some instances, outright disagreed with and objected to – in their culturally-influenced worldview and poorly-catechized minds. I know now, we, as parents, admittedly out of ignorance, had neglected the most important aspect of our parental duty. We failed to teach them that God alone, the Author of Life, determines the 'good' and the 'evil.' He, our omnipotent Heavenly Father, knows best what nurtures our bodies and our souls.

Our two oldest daughters married good Catholic spouses in Catholic sacramental marriages. Our son, however, our youngest, though he chose a loving, baptized, Catholic spouse, decided to 'split' from Catholic tradition (2015). He and his wife (to be at the time) wanted to do it their way, in a natural setting, reflective of the beloved 'cabin experiences' of their childhoods. As much as we tried to work in a church service and sacramental marriage, it wasn't going to fly. Admittedly, it broke my heart, which they knew. I realize their marriage is *'invalid' in the eyes of the Church. Once marked with the sign of Baptism in the Catholic Church, one is forever Catholic in the eyes of God, *sealed with the spiritual seal of belonging to Christ in His one, holy Catholic and apostolic church.

Backtracking a bit, 2008 began a major awakening for me. We had the opportunity to go to Paris, Normandy, and London; Normandy, I believe, through Holy Spirit intervention, as I later realized He was our Companion, no doubt, throughout this entire trip! We had been invited by my husband's dear sister (also my dear “friend,” who had introduced the two of us) and her husband, our brother-in-law, to travel with them (and with two of their beloved friends) on this amazing trip, the itinerary carefully (and lovingly) planned out by both of them. As we visited the museums, Churches, magnificent Cathedrals, etc. of Paris and London, I was wowed and embarrassed at the same time (quite the understatement). I was experiencing, for the first time, the beauty and depth of our human story through the religious art and historical evidence displayed there; and, an acute awareness of the incredible sacrifices that had been made in the name of Christianity rushed through my veins like never before. Jesus died on a cross for us! Christian martyrs shed their blood to witness Truth for us - their crimes being simply not acknowleding the new State religion, or for being a "Christian," etc. My heart soared at the magnitude of the trust and commitment of these Witnesses to Truth, but plunged into regret that I had not realized or taken seriously what we possessed in this incredible Gift of Love, built on the selfless giving of others. Oh my, how my Catholicism was lacking...and, especially, my appreciation. I knew so little of this Faith that, by God's grace, I had been born in to. In Normandy (not in the original plan, but by 'accident'), both my husband and I were filled with tears of pride at the intellectual creativity and courage our Forefathers had possessed as they planned and fought in this good vs evil war! The American (together with the Allied) Spirit, that had been built on the principle of “one nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all,” had triumphed. I know now, God, in His Divine Providence, had intervened in this war, as He so often does in the affairs of His people, especially when they recognize and honor His sovereignty. *Communism, and governmental control of His beloved children are not part of His master plan.

That trip began my active 'searching,' of all things regarding the Faith, seen and unseen, and as to our human purpose, under God. A trip to Italy (again, by invitation of these dear family friends) – Rome, Florence, Venice, in 2011, and a devout Catholic neighbor's sharing of his knowledge of the Faith propelled me into further exploration. He had given me a stack of *books to read and digest. Let me just say amazing signs and wonders have accompanied me ever since. Again in 2011, after this Italy trip, my Mom, 85-years of age and nearly deaf, decided to become Catholic. I like to think she had been influenced by my zeal for the Faith (after these trips) that many others had been turned away from. I became her RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation) sponsor and in these classes is where the scriptures came alive for me. Our group would take turns reading and reflecting on scripture passages and, in one lesson, as I remember it, I was asked to read John 1:10. “He was in the world, and though the world was made through Him, the world did not recognize Him.” I had trouble getting through the words on the page as my eyes welled up with tears. (God was speaking to me, personally.) How neglectful and thoughtless I had been to ignore the 'Hand that made me' all this time. I felt so ashamed. As for my mom, she was baptized and confirmed in the Faith and, finally, was able to fill that longing she had carried in her heart (and finally shared with me) for so many years. Soon after that, my husband went through RCIA, and I, again, was a sponsor and, most-importantly, a learner in a class about the Faith and its biblical roots, through Tradition and Scripture. The depth of love, richness, and authenticity of my Catholic roots has enveloped me hook, line and sinker ever since. To say I can't get enough of scripture study (6 years strong, now), solid Catholic doctrine, the LOVE breathed forth from *(orthodox) Catholic speakers and Mass celebrants, is an understatement. Not even the army of 'demonized' and in-name-only Catholic hierarchy, Bishops, Priests, politicians, betrayers of Holy Mother Church could ever convince me to 'let go' of the Faith where Jesus resides in Tabernacles and Adoration Chapels all over the world, and in worthy communicants' hearts.

God blessed us with our first grandchild, “prophesied” by my mom, a grandson born on my dad's birthday, November 12, in 2001. My dad had always wanted a son and, although he had passed over into eternal life before this child's birth. I'm sure he was celebrating with us on that day along with the multitude of Heavenly Hosts – a son of his heritage and a soon-to-be baptized Catholic. This child would also prove to be the intellectual I never was! Our oldest daughter and son-in-law are still practicing the Faith, thanks be to God (albeit not accepting all its orthodoxy). A sister came about 3 years later to this grandson and also became a child of God through Baptism. Admittedly, I've just learned how powerful that *step in a child's life is. I've been blessed to be an integral part of these grandchildren's lives and have been able to share my Faith with them. Let's just say, this grandson is quite familiar with the bible, St. Thomas Aquinas and the Saints. And, I was asked to be the Confirmation Sponsor for his sister - our precious granddaughter. (I vowed to take this responsibility seriously from the get-go.)

Our 2^nd daughter and Son-in-Law, both raised Catholic, were married (as I mentioned above) in a beautiful Catholic service by a Priest who knew our son-in-law's family very well, having baptized, etc. all of their five children. This holy man exhibited an all-embracing love and desire for the flourishing of this happy couple. Finally, after 7 years of marriage, they were blessed with a precious daughter (Oh my, how I had prayed for this...) whom they, endearingly, named after my mother. When I was in the hospital with my daughter, accompanying her through labor, an admitting clerk asked her what her religion was. To this she replied “none.” I didn't inquire what she meant by this, but my heart sunk; I tried to contain my sorrow. I knew I was partly to blame.

I was a Hospice volunteer at this time, and was caring for a faithful Catholic woman who encouraged me to baptize that child. She supplied me with holy water, holy oil and candles... and when I was babysitting one afternoon, I baptized my beloved grandchild. I told my daughter, and she didn't seem to mind. I'm still waiting for these “children” (my daughter and son-in-law) to be given the grace to see the important role baptism plays in God's saving plan.

I prayed very hard, yet again, for a sibling for this granddaughter (A priest even recommended to me a go-to Heavenly Intercessor.) Three and a half years later, on, *8/13/2004, her baby brother was born. I've passed along some *religious items, but, I'm waiting for them to 'step out in faith' before I deluge them :) (There's so many beautiful resourses today. )

Our son, finally fell in love at 35 and was married at 36 to the spouse he'd been searching for. My prayers had been directed to this, as well. Both of these caring, sensitive, baptized-in-the-Catholic-Faith children of God were glowing with love and happiness on the day of their wedding. I fought back tears at the realization that their union was not being properly formed, despite their sincere efforts to bring God, scripture, and a bit of tradition into the ceremony (for their parents, to-be-sure). I had considered not attending but was advised the fracture that could cause could be irreversible. I know God was present there on this beautiful sun-lit day.

They've been blessed, thus far, with two healthy boys to love and care for. My mention of Baptism and church attendance has, up-to-now, fallen on deaf ears. “Grama” (me) often chooses religious items for gift-giving occasions, and faith talk is 'respectfully' listened to, but not acted upon. I pray seeds are being planted in this beautiful family living in another state (and away from much interpersonal closeness to their “dad's” caring family). They have not called themselves “nones” but practice no religion so far that I am aware of. They are empathetic and peace-loving and Jainism was once mentioned by my son as being attractive. They both practice and she teaches *Yoga, and she's a 'preferred' Doula, loved by her clients. They are also relativists believing they (and others) should be able to make their own rules, as long as no one gets hurt in the process. To my knowledge, they do not recognize a loving Father-God who knows what's best for our physical and spiritual well-being.

Last fall, my husband and I had the opportunity to go on a pilgrimage to Israel with our Parish. The Holy Spirit accompanied us on that trip as well for sure. Both of our hearts were filled with an acute awareness of the suffering and sacrifice of great cost that accompanied the Holy Family and the early Church in their mission to save souls. And, the salvific outpouring of love that sprang forth from that – Christianity's earliest humble beginnings – caused a *'revolution,' that has spread like wildfire, unequaled by any other in our human history. Scientific excavations continue to unearth remnants of our Christian story, making it undeniable to those who “have eyes to see.”

My husband and I share a peace in knowing Truth, quite separate from worldly scholarly knowledge. Funny how he sees it as “taking a bit of the mystery out of it.” We know now that our God-given mission in our marriage is to lead each other, and everyone we meet who comes across our path, to Heaven. Not everyone goes there. That's scriptural. But, God, in His merciful love, gives everyone a chance to grab on to His mysterious life-saving grace. Jesus teaches us, “I am the way, the Truth, and the life.” (John 14:16) The Bible (the most popular book on the planet – over 5 billion copies and counting) teaches that there is no way to salvation other than through Jesus Christ. But, I know God, in His infinite love, keeps knocking on the doors of our hearts. ~Jan Stevens

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With this website, I hope to help others in their search for Truth and meaning in their own lives so they can become “part of the team” to save souls. I plan to share some of the things I've learned and the people, places, and things that have guided me there - toward a deeper maturity in my Faith. It will be a work in progress... but, I hope, a “helpmate” for other seekers. I plan to expand on *'d exerpts from my story and provide links to my trusted sources of information. I encourage readers to always "search a matter out" in whatever way they deem useful.

I also have so many *people to thank (I'll devote a page to this) ... I can't even begin to count them. If one looks at the influences in his/her life, every one along your path leaves a 'footprint', that makes an impression on your heart.